Category: Popular Culture

Text by Kitchie Ohh, Copyright 2024

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Trust Your Gut

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I have written multiple posts here about my professional life. The summary if you’re new here, and to my ramblings, is that I have a lengthy nonprofit fundraising background. In 2019, I landed what seemed to be my dream job. But just like an actual dream sometimes does, after a while if became more like a nightmare. I landed on my feet, in a position where I’m doing great things, being valued for who I am, what I bring to the organization and being fairly compensated for it all. However, again, just like flashes of nightmares rear their ugly heads during waking hours, my old job pops in to haunt me every now and then. 

When I left my previous role, I can count on one hand – actually, one finger – the number of people I chose to give permission to contact me personally. We occasionally send messages to check in, say hello, catch up. It had been months since I last heard from them. Until a few weeks ago. “Kat, I miss you. There is so much to tell you, can I call you after work today?” You bet I cleared my plans for the rest of the night to take that call. I am so glad I did. 

Let me back up quite a few paces to when I was still working for the previous organization. In many companies, a change in leadership often leads to some staffing changes, people leave, new people start, positions change, structure changes, policies changes. It’s not at all unusual. However, when the changes start to feel heavy and unnecessary, and good people are forced out, it’s hard to stay positive. That’s what happened to my dream job. The chosen replacement for the individual who hired me, encouraged and trusted me, and built an incredible team of passionate talented people, was abruptly removed from the position.

Shortly after the beginning of that end, one of the newer members of my team suddenly took an interest in me and my role. They often came to my desk to talk about my work, my workload, and unprompted by any of my words or actions, expressed that I must be stressed and overwhelmed with it all. That became the frequent theme of conversation; and it was odd. Something about it, just wasn’t sitting right. I kept asking myself, are they trying to make me feel stressed? Should I be responding to my job in a way other than I am? What is the point of this repeated conversation? It was enough for me to keep them at a distance and stay wary, while still working together as needed. 

It was right around this strange time when the new boss was announced to replace the one I had built such a wonderful working relationship with. I tried to stay open minded. Within the first few weeks, each person was scheduled for a one-on-one introductory meeting. Mine was the last on the agenda. I came prepared with everything about what I did on a daily basis, prepared for any questions they might have. We had an hour. The first question I was asked threw me for a bit of a loop. It was about the organization I worked in prior to this one, and one person in particular from that team. The tone of the question made it feel like my answer would set the stage for not only the rest of this meeting, but my position with the team. I carefully acknowledged, yes, I knew that person, but we never worked very closely and they left before I did. I left out my feelings relating to the absolutely unhinged series of accusations and comments lodged at me by this person regarding someone else’s inappropriate behavior toward me! I also watched in absolute horror as the indicators on my new boss’s smart watch flashed over a dozen new text messages from the very same person. Yikes, not a good start.

Life over the next few months in and out of the office wasn’t great. Home repairs and family stress on top of increased pressure and unvoiced expectations from my new boss were making me ill. The colleague I had kept at arms length had been given a wildly unexpected promotion within our department. It was abundantly clear that the role was by far outside of their scope of experience. It wasn’t my call but I congratulated them all the same. Work that had been done by the person in that role previously, though, suddenly was finding its way onto my desk with no instruction on how to complete it or the technical access needed to do so. I made it clear that this had never been a function of my role. I would be happy to learn it and eventually adopt it, but needed time to learn and understand it. That statement was met with the ultimatum of do it now or don’t work here anymore. By the time I walked the dozen or so steps from the boss’ office to my shared cubicle space, there was an email message to HR summarizing and documenting the discussion about my failure to meet the expectations of my job. There was nothing constructive, there were no official action steps, progress improvement plans, or even consequences stated. I was in panic mode. I pressed the newly-promoted colleague for assistance as the new to me tasks were formerly theirs. I got very little help directly. I found out quickly that they couldn’t help because they didn’t know how; which explained how it got onto my desk in the first place. A consultant eventually provided the solution and I carried on with my newly assigned work. 

I wish I could say that was the end of it and I continued happy along with just an increased workload. But sadly, that’s not even close. Human Resources never even acknowledged receipt of the “failure to perform” email. I had no follow up meetings about it. In fact, it was never again mentioned. Meetings with my boss were rare, and rarely longer than five minutes unless the boss had strong feelings about a project, and by that I mean absolutely disagreed with everything I had done and demanded it be redone. I felt ignored and unsupported unless I was being reprimanded. Yet, every project I led was successful, raising literal millions of dollars.  I was confused and stressed, preparing every day to be fired. The only upside was that the strange conversations stopped. My concerned colleague was ignoring me too, but was always in the boss’ office. My gut was screaming at me that something wasn’t right. People all around us were resigning, often being escorted out of the building instead of working out their two weeks’ notice.

I confided in the one trusted person I mentioned previously. They absolutely agreed with me that something had shifted. We commiserated daily about how much of a downhill slide morale had taken and took every opportunity to make one another laugh through the frustrations. When even those laughs weren’t enough, I began to look for a new position and soon I announced my resignation. The sheer relief on the boss’ face that day was off-putting, I had never seen them so happy. The joyful congratulations given to me by the other colleague I was wary of was equally disturbing. They were chatting animatedly, and very quietly and privately, for a good portion of that day. They even arranged my farewell happy hour, strangely insisting on a particular place I had never been and couldn’t enjoy much offered on their menu due to dietary restrictions. I went, and was for the most part ignored by them which was fine by me. I made it out. And very shortly after that boss was gone too, though I didn’t much care. 

Back to present day. When the phone rang that night, I immediately picked up. After exchanging all the normal pleasantries one would expect of former colleagues who haven’t spoken in months, we dove right into it. The colleague I was wary of resigned but not before letting slip something extremely interesting. Back when that ‘new’ boss had been announced, this colleague reached out to them on a professional networking channel to unofficially welcome them to the organization. They met for dinner prior to the official start date informing and inviting no one else from the department. They discussed, at length, the weaknesses of the team. Guess who topped that list? Guess who, coincidentally, thought they would be great at the job if given the chance? I suppose this person felt a sense of “what are they going to do fire me?” once their resignation was tendered especially since neither I nor that boss were working there any longer. They held this knowledge in for nearly three years. I wonder if it was relief or pride they felt in finally expressing it to someone else.

I sat on the phone absolutely dumbfounded for a minute after the story (and a few intersecting stories, because you know a proper catch up session is never a linear occurrence!) ended. And then it all just came spilling out in an expletive filled rant that I can sum up in four words: I F*CKING KNEW IT. 

From the first strange conversation, to the introductory meeting centering on my relationship with a previous colleague, to the already drafted email that went to HR immediately after an unplanned meeting about my failure to perform tasks that were never mine, my gut was warning something wasn’t right. As paranoid as it seemed, I felt as if there was a plot brewing against me.  Every day the feeling progressively grew, intentionally fostered by two other people, until I had to remove myself from the situation. And I wasn’t paranoid or crazy. I was right. My gut was right, I am so glad I trusted it. I can’t imagine that I wouldn’t have been fired if I didn’t leave on my own. They were actively setting me up to fail. I don’t have to imagine to what end.  One person believed another’s made up claims about me and I was in the other’s way.

I never wish ill on anyone. I just hope that one day, the way they treated – and mistreated – others in the act of self-service is delivered back to them and they get everything they deserve, nothing less. Do unto others and all that…

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Kitchie Ohh is a full-time professional fundraiser who has worked with a number of health and human services nonprofits in the Philadelphia area over the last 20 years. She found her passion for modeling after a pinup-style photoshoot in 2013. Since then, she has worked with many talented photographers, stylists, hair and makeup artists in a variety of styles. She has been featured in- and on the covers of – multiple print and digital publications. Over the years, she has branched out from pinup studio modeling to serve as a figure model for live sketching, walked a runway, and was part of two campaigns for Philadelphia designer K. Vaughn.

In addition to her philanthropy-focused career, she has volunteered with art, historical, and community organizations, and even the events team of a local brewery for a while, pre-pandemic.

You’re just as likely to find her whipping up something deliciously plant-based in her kitchen or knitting a sweater as you are to find her on a photography set. Her motto is “be both.” The model and the homemaker, sultry and sweet, serious and silly. All the things, all at once. To access additional articles by Kitchie Ohh, link here: https://tonyward.com/kitchie-ohh-overwhelmed/