Text by Mikala Mikrut, Copyright 2021
I’ll never be a wife
I’ll never be a mother
I am simply a muse
To inspire, to admire
Until he believes he has grown
Abandons me for better
Only to realize he hasn’t
And she’s not
I’m forever a pit stop
On mens’ false sense
Of self discovery
I wrote this short, depressing poem about a month ago. About a month before that, I had learned that my boyfriend of a year and a half had cheated on me. Maybe you think that’s not a long time to be in a relationship anyway, or maybe that I should have known that no one my own age would be mature enough to treat me with respect. Regardless, what matters to me is that I no longer feel the same way I did when I wrote that poem. I’m starting to be able to remember all of the things I learned in the relationship instead of scrutinizing all of his red flags. That doesn’t make what he did hurt any less. At the same time, his claimed one mistake doesn’t detract from all the wonderful things he used to do for me. But I was still left wondering when he fell out of love with me, or if he ever really loved me in the first place.
American philosopher, Cornel West, once said, “You have to recognize that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.” This can be said for any healthy relationship dynamic, but specifically romantically, this is the goal. Isn’t it? To be able to trust that your partner means what they say, and that (hopefully) they feel the same way you feel about them. That when one of West’s relationship requirements aren’t met, the person failing to meet said requirement will have the decency to recognize that and remove themselves from the equation. I like to think everyone has the capability to love endlessly, selflessly, and unconditionally, but that they have to believe that of themselves for it to be true. So how do we find people with the same beliefs and morals as ourselves?
Three studies were looked over by psychologicalscience.org which determined that the results from all three were that “participants’ dominant ethical mindset, in combination with their previous behavior, influence[s] their behavior”. This means that the values people claim to hold tend to influence their character, so when someone tells you they care about honoring their family or hate people that lie, they probably mean it. At the same time, science is saying that if they’ve done something once…They’ll probably do it again. So pay attention to what someone tells you about themselves, and probably pay attention to why their past relationships ended while you’re at it. Those studies also implied that people with outcome-based mindsets (meaning they focussed on what they wanted from the relationship whether it was just sex or spending the rest of their lives with that person) diligently payed attention to their own discrepancies between the self they aspire to be and the current self they perceive. This helps to explain why partners will sometimes act unethically, because they want to be someone else and they skip all the correct steps along the way…like sleeping with other people after you break up with your girlfriend.
Sometimes we want answers we can’t have, especially when it comes to the actions of other people. At the end of the day, though, all we have control over is our own thoughts and actions. All we have with certainty is ourselves. With that being said, I’m committing myself to me, my self care, and my self love. I encourage you to reflect on how you’ve been treating yourself recently, because if it isn’t how you wished the love of your life treated you then there is work to be done. That is what you deserve. There is no shame in needing more alone time, or finding a new hobby, or starting therapy. Whatever brings you peace is what you should make time for. What are you and how do you deserve to be treated? Because I am a goddamn mermaid princess and I will wait until the ground I walk upon is worshipped before I let someone new have the honor of knowing the inner workings of my thoughts and feelings so intimately.
About The Author: Mikala Mikrut is a regular contributor to Tony Ward’s blog. To access additional articles by Mikala Mikrut, click here:https://tonyward.com/mikala-mikrut-hot-thoughts-with-hot-thots/