Text and Photography by Justine Bakker, Copyright 2023
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Alone
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My journey is coming to an end, one more week to go.
I spent almost my entire journey in silence
and spent time alone in nature.
Taking a deep dive in, I needed that.
And I have received.
And now, now enough is enough.
I feel physically alone.
I long for people I trust around me.
I need some fun and laughter
I’m craving for touch, hugs
I long for mirrors, others to show me who I am now.
I’m homesick and that’s more than just connection to myself.
It is also connection to the world around me.
Besides longing, I also feel fear
Afraid of the crowd,
the many stimulus, the “main” matters,
The western rush and the pursuit..
The grey sky and leafless trees…
My body blocks when I let myself go into those thoughts.
Panic; Can I handle that yet? How?
I know: fear is a bad advisor
Spring is coming, that’s for sure.
I’m busy with life and death a lot,
bonded inseparable.
My life our life life on earth with earth
Our human life that can be so short (or long).
Already predetermined.
Death that is no longer scary, sometimes even a wish,
a way out.
I read about near death experiences in which
death is described as homecoming.
Our soul ‘lives’ before and after earthly life,
The soul remains and so I feel Mats very close, with me.
This faith gets me through the lack,
keeps me going.
Existential questions guide my days here.
What do I have left to live for?
What do I have to give, to share…?
I identify as a survivor, a warrior.
I have the willingness to face the reality.
I want to live, learn and be useful, matter.
I don’t have full answers to my life path
One direction and that’s enough for now.
Answers will come when the time is right.
I plant some seeds that I take care of,
cherish and protect .
I’m reaping the fruits, no rush,
patience, open up, trust,
one step at a time
Those kinds of mantras…
I am deeply grateful for this journey alone.
I have to go through this, want to see everything, feel it
I have learned to connect with my nature,
with my wishes and limits.
And with the immense earthly beauty
and fertility of all around me.
Now I long for home, to connect with you.
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About The Author: Justine Bakker is an established fashion model, art director, set dresser and stylist based in the Netherlands. To access additional articles by Justine Bakker, click here: https://tonyward.com/justine-bakker-remembering-mats/