Text and Photography by Justine Bakker, Copyright 2023
My journey is coming to an end, one more week to go.
I spent almost my entire journey in silence
and spent time alone in nature.
Taking a deep dive in, I needed that.
And I have received.
And now, now enough is enough.
I feel physically alone.
I long for people I trust around me.
I need some fun and laughter
I’m craving for touch, hugs
I long for mirrors, others to show me who I am now.
I’m homesick and that’s more than just connection to myself.
It is also connection to the world around me.
Besides longing, I also feel fear
Afraid of the crowd,
the many stimulus, the “main” matters,
The western rush and the pursuit..
The grey sky and leafless trees…
My body blocks when I let myself go into those thoughts.
Panic; Can I handle that yet? How?
I know: fear is a bad advisor
Spring is coming, that’s for sure.
I’m busy with life and death a lot,
My life our life life on earth with earth
Our human life that can be so short (or long).
Death that is no longer scary, sometimes even a wish,
a way out.
I read about near death experiences in which
death is described as homecoming.
Our soul ‘lives’ before and after earthly life,
The soul remains and so I feel Mats very close, with me.
This faith gets me through the lack,
keeps me going.
Existential questions guide my days here.
What do I have left to live for?
What do I have to give, to share…?
I identify as a survivor, a warrior.
I have the willingness to face the reality.
I want to live, learn and be useful, matter.
I don’t have full answers to my life path
One direction and that’s enough for now.
Answers will come when the time is right.
I plant some seeds that I take care of,
cherish and protect .
I’m reaping the fruits, no rush,
patience, open up, trust,
one step at a time
Those kinds of mantras…
I am deeply grateful for this journey alone.
I have to go through this, want to see everything, feel it
I have learned to connect with my nature,
with my wishes and limits.
And with the immense earthly beauty
and fertility of all around me.
Now I long for home, to connect with you.
About The Author: Justine Bakker is an established fashion model, art director, set dresser and stylist based in the Netherlands. To access additional articles by Justine Bakker, click here: https://tonyward.com/justine-bakker-remembering-mats/