Kitchie Ohh: Time For Reflection

Portrait of contributing writer to Tony Ward Studio Miss Kitchie Ohh
Kitchie Ohh. Portrait by Thomas Servello, Copyright 2023

Text by Kitchie Ohh, Copyright 2023


Time For Reflection


Here we are in the home stretch of the year. It flew by. It dragged. There were highs, lows, and in everything in between. November is usually the time when I start looking back and reflecting. This one is no different.

There have been many times this year, every year, if I’m honest, that I wanted – needed – to say something, usually in defense of myself, and didn’t. I should also mention that late October-early November is also the time that people, mostly men, from my past seem to come out of nowhere to check in and say hi. Sometimes they were part of a significant relationship, other times a strange situationship, maybe we had one date that went no further, or for whatever reason it never even came to that. Regardless of what happened in the past, I can count on it resurfacing in the future. It’s not always the same people year after year. But it always seems to be the same conversation.

Remember that time? You look good. You seeing anyone. How have you been? Miss me?

Yes. Thanks, I know. I don’t see how that’s any of your business. I’m great. Not particularly. 

Depending on the person and the history there, the conversations may be that short and blunt. I never want to be that person that doesn’t answer a text, message, email, or phone call from anyone reaching out. You never know if you might be the person on the other end’s last ditch effort to connect with someone when they’re in a really dark spot. I don’t feel good about burning bridges, it take a lot for it to happen. But that doesn’t mean I don’t set boundaries.

There’s a common thread in most of these boomerang conversations: it’s never really about reconnecting. There’s a gap that needs to be filled, time to kill. A temporary need to have something to play with and then put away until next time. I can usually sense where things are going pretty quickly after that first “hey!” I tend to be someone who has their guard up at all times. It’s helped me feel protected but also caused me to get hurt. It’s helped me see things like these not-so-surprising resurfaces coming and avoid falling into past patterns out of convenience, but it’s also shielded me from allowing new and better things to come through out of fear. I’m trying to find the balance. How thick and/or high should the walls of one’s emotionally protective fortress be? Asking for myself.

Working on this has been interesting, necessary, and incredibly uncomfortable at times. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert and don’t share my experiences as advice. If you’ve read previous posts, you know there’s a lot to unpack when it comes to how I got this point in my life. So are they cautionary tales? Anecdotes so you can feel good about your relative sanity? I’m fine with either of those. Really, it’s been cathartic for me to express myself through this blog. It’s accountability. It’s a public journal of sorts, where I put things out there and can’t take them back. Of the few people who have recently popped back up, I know that there are things I need to say to one of them specifically. But the emotional wall of protection I built is incredibly hard to get through to say them and the idea of being exposed and vulnerable will make what I have to say hurt, mostly me, even more. So I share it here, from behind the extra protection of my computer screen knowing the intended recipient may never even see them. But they could, and that’s good enough for me, for now. 

Dear You,

From the moment we met there was an undeniable connection, something electric. Deep conversation, hysterical laughter, raw emotion, it only grew as the time passed. Without realizing it, or even intending it, I became more me as days turned months turned years of us, no label, just you and me and everything else. It was just so natural to not hide, or be self conscious. No matter what, you were there supportive and proud of me. And that made me proud of me, too, for the first time in a long time. You helped me realize so much about myself as I learned about you. 

But then speaking all day, every day slowly turned into a just few times a week. That turned to a few times a month. Then once every few months, like the one just now. It hurt. It still hurts. I miss you. But because of you, I also know it’s not about me. It never was. 

My attention served its purpose, it stroked your ego. I filled the time between more important things and people in your life, kept you from being alone with yourself. I see us for what we were. We each got what we needed and I have no regrets. I’m not sad. For as much as I genuinely grew from knowing you, you didnt change at all from knowing me, and I don’t think you ever will. That is what makes me sad. For you, there is always something greener, something better, newer and shinier to chase, at the expense of what you have in front of you; which you also want to hang on to, just in case. I’m sorry, love, it doesn’t work like that. I can’t keep up. I owe myself so much more, and I’m so grateful you helped me realize that. I’m proud of your drive to keep going after all the sparkly things that make you happy. I hope run after them with all you’ve got until you can’t go another step. Until then, and always, I will hold space for you, but no longer my breath, waiting.


And there they are, my words out into the universe. Or onto the internet, same thing, right? One message off my mind, one brick taken down from the wall I’ve built up around me. Many more to come down, slow and steady. I’m grateful for every experience, even the bittersweet, uncomfortable and painful ones are lessons learned and memories made to take forward as I do my best to stop sheltering behind them. 

Happy November. Maybe one day, I’ll share this with the person it is for. 


Kitchie Ohh is a full-time professional fundraiser who has worked with a number of health and human services nonprofits in the Philadelphia area over the last 20 years. She found her passion for modeling after a pinup-style photoshoot in 2013. Since then, she has worked with many talented photographers, stylists, hair and makeup artists in a variety of styles. She has been featured in- and on the covers of – multiple print and digital publications. Over the years, she has branched out from pinup studio modeling to serve as a figure model for live sketching, walked a runway, and was part of two campaigns for Philadelphia designer K. Vaughn.

In addition to her philanthropy-focused career, she has volunteered with art, historical, and community organizations, and even the events team of a local brewery for a while, pre-pandemic.

You’re just as likely to find her whipping up something deliciously plant-based in her kitchen or knitting a sweater as you are to find her on a photography set. Her motto is “be both.” The model and the homemaker, sultry and sweet, serious and silly. All the things, all at once. To access additional articles by Kitchie Ohh, link here:

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