Category: lifestyle

Text by Kitchie Ohh,  Copyright 2024

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Rebuilding My Selfesteem

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As I sat down to write this I began as I always do, reflecting on how I even got to write this column. . It all started with a picture. Several pictures really. 

 A vanity project turned hobby, pinup photo shoots, began as something just for me. Dressing up, having full hair and makeup, pretending for a few hours while someone captures those moments. What’s not to love? Those sessions were a large part of rebuilding my self-esteem. They helped me find myself and my voice. This was especially true when I began having photosets published in magazines. I never did it for the attention. Contrary to popular belief there is NO money in it. It was validation. I was good enough to be included and felt good enough to even try. 

Exploring this interest over the last decade or so also introduced me to some incredibly interesting and talented people. Photographers, makeup and hair artists, clothing and accessory designers, musicians, performers, and of course other models. For all the similarities that made our paths cross in the first place, there were countless differences that made us unique. 

Initially, I felt incredibly welcomed into this community of retro-loving people. There were invitations to events, public and private, all the time. There were social groups that used common interests to benefit charitable causes. My professional fundraiser heart was so happy, I dove in headfirst. My skills and professional experience allowed me to lean in where I could be helpful with fundraising, social media, organization, volunteer management, anything and everything. It felt great. Until it didn’t.

Despite all outward claims of being welcoming and celebrating diversity in the scene, there was so much judgment, so many cliques, and far too much backstabbing where there should have been support. I speak in past tense due to removing myself from this social scene, but I cannot imagine much has changed since.

I found that, more often than not, inclusion came with a price. IF your uniqueness made you useful to someone or a group, you were included. If not, some other reason would be conjured as to why you weren’t included or invited. I also discovered that as much as you might hear words of encouragement to be yourself and not make comparisons, that wasn’t the standard practice. There was constant comparing and contrasting, not so quiet and not at all kind judgment of why one person’s appearance wasn’t as good as another’s, how their expression of themselves was inappropriate or not authentic. Be yourself, but in the way WE say is correct, or risk the potentially damaging repercussions. It’s not a competition, but I am way better than you. It was never said aloud, but generally understood, and felt.

In fact, one of the biggest things I grew to dislike about this part of my social history, was a blatant disregard of the ideas that “this isn’t a competition,” and “there’s no judgment here.” Yes, The Pinup Contest. I have been a contestant, judge and organizer in a few. I took home a crown once; it was a very strange feeling. 

I soon realized why. In an environment where you’re told everyone is welcomed and there’s no judgement or comparison, one of the biggest entertainment outlets is to literally make a contest out of comparing people to one another and awarding prizes to the best. There were always nerves and self-conscious comments expressed by contestants, myself and my friends included. Inevitably, those feelings and comments got reinforced if/when someone else was deemed the winner. There was also the all-too-common occurrence that the winner was not genuinely congratulated. Instead there were whispered accusations about how or why they won and other nasty things said that made those who didn’t win feel better about the loss.  In which case, there really was not a winner.  

Looking back, there was absolutely nothing award-winning about my responses or appearance on the day I won that contest. I was simply familiar to the organizer. I had never entered any previous contest with them but by simply having attended other events, I was the best choice. It wasn’t exactly fair. Having made that realization, I never entered another contest and was extra careful to check my biases when judging the few I was involved with after. 

It’s been several years since I’ve even considered myself a member of this community. Sure, there are individuals with whom I maintain friendships, but I no longer seek out events and contests with the crowd at large that pit women against one another. No disrespect to those who still put on the shows, attend and participate in the contests; they are just no longer for me. I’m a much happier person when I’m more concerned with showing up as the best version of myself and less so with actively trying to prove I’m better than anyone else. Because I’m not. 

I ended up right back where it all began; doing things just for me. Blog contributions help me get thoughts out of my head, and maybe put an idea in someone else’s that changes their perspective; or at the very least allows them to kill a few minutes. I haven’t taken new photos in quite some time, but maybe I need to…just for me. 

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Kitchie Ohh is a full-time professional fundraiser who has worked with a number of health and human services nonprofits in the Philadelphia area over the last 20 years. She found her passion for modeling after a pinup-style photoshoot in 2013. Since then, she has worked with many talented photographers, stylists, hair and makeup artists in a variety of styles. She has been featured in- and on the covers of – multiple print and digital publications. Over the years, she has branched out from pinup studio modeling to serve as a figure model for live sketching, walked a runway, and was part of two campaigns for Philadelphia designer K. Vaughn.

In addition to her philanthropy-focused career, she has volunteered with art, historical, and community organizations, and even the events team of a local brewery for a while, pre-pandemic.

You’re just as likely to find her whipping up something deliciously plant-based in her kitchen or knitting a sweater as you are to find her on a photography set. Her motto is “be both.” The model and the homemaker, sultry and sweet, serious and silly. All the things, all at once. To access additional articles by Kitchie Ohh, link here: https://tonyward.com/kitchie-ohh-place-my-job-is-to-help/